Question 127: Life, Love, and Hall & Oates

Hola Jesus! I assume that you have had your share of romantic ups and downs, as you give good advice about relationships. I would like to know, how is it possible, if it even is possible, to trust somebody who has wronged you in the past? My boyfriend and I broke up almost a year ago and we got back about 2 months later. However, during those 2 months, he acted as though we never had something special, going out, getting drunk and getting close to girls. He’s trying to make it up to me now but that doesn’t change the fact that he treated our relationship like a piece of scratch paper that he simply crumpled up and threw over his shoulder. Should I learn to deal with the past or should I move on? Thanks Jesus.

-Mariel – Santiago, Chile

My friend,

I fear that I will not give you the quality answer that you deserve simply because of the timing of your question. You see, this is the fourth consecutive question regarding the love, the sex, and/or the break-ups. And I have made no secret that my own personal life has been neither the hunkey nor the dorey, but rather the topsy and the turvey. Therefore, given my own malaise regarding the affairs of the heart, I simply do not have it in me to provide anything outside of the realm of the cynicism.

That being said, the younger version of myself would forgive and forget in your situation. I would swallow the pride and attempt to make the best relationship I could moving forward. I would proudly claim that the love power is strong enough to make it through anything. And then I would blast the You Make My Dreams Come True by the Hall and the Oates for the moral support needed.

However, the current version of myself would laugh in my younger version’s face. I would call my younger self a fool, say he should never look back, claim that people are selfish, and insist that my younger self knows nothing of the ways of life and love. And then I would blast the I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do) by the Hall and the Oates for the moral support needed.

At that point, my younger self would become defensive. He would call my current self jaded. My friend, he would also tell my current self that I don’t look so good anymore, that no wonder I get dumped because I am overweight, tired looking, my stamina is poor, and quite frankly, it appears as if I have let myself go.

I would then slap my younger self in the face. A fight would ensue. Someone would blast the Maneater by the Hall and the Oates for the moral support needed. And both of us would wrestle on the ground attempting to employ one of our patented full nelsons on the other. Who would win, you ask? I’ll leave it at this. Full nelsons, like wine and mustaches, only get better with age.

I am probably confusing you more with this picture of self-conflict set to the music of the Hall and the Oates. It doesn’t matter though because relationship issues are for you to figure out yourself. Everyone is different and handles their emotions in unique ways. All I will say is that perhaps you should take some time to be alone, make sure you are able to be happy with yourself instead of finding the happiness through relationships, and then everything else in life will become more clear. And then blast the Sara Smile by the Hall and the Oates for the moral support needed.


Question 124: The Break-Ups

Will my exboyfriend and I reunite and restore our relationship?

- Melody – location unknown

My friend,

I have said this before and I will say it again. The personal life of Jesus is both the topsy and the turvy. After my most recent relationship disaster, it feels as if my heart has been ripped out, rubbed against the cheese grater, thrown to the ground, spat upon, lit on fire, mocked, and then pounded mercilessly. This pounding has been furious, akin to the pounding the stage would receive by a fleet of Riverdancers high on the crystal meth.

Therefore, I do not know what will happen with you and the ex. Do not take this personally, I am simply too immersed in my own drama to offer the astute observations and/or the moral support. Furthermore, I do not know your circumstances. Were you betrayed? Are you taking the break? Did you dump him or the vice-versa? Did you have the encounter with the wayward drifter that has now left you in the proverbial tizzy? Honestly, my friend, you simply cannot ask such a question without providing the more information. What would you have me do, flip the coin?

I just did, my friend, and it came up tails. You might be wondering what the tails means, no? Yes, perhaps it would be helpful if I provided the more information.

Still, all that aside, I could offer you the stream of cliches. Or I could offer multiple variations on the theme of things happening for a reason. These rarely help however, and though you might not want to, it is probably best to just move on.

There’s no getting around it. Break-ups suck, my friend. And since your question arrives during my own forlorn time, I would at least like to share with you my pie graph regarding why break-ups suck.

My friend, there is comfort in pie.