Question 110: Would You Trust A Drifter

Jesus, would you trust a drifter?

-Tanya – location unknown

My Friend,

I am wondering if you have recently been wronged by a drifter. Probably not, for you would have offered the elaboration if a wronging had occurred. Perhaps you have just met a drifter and you have become romantically enraptured by his or her rambling ways.

Yes my friend, while I am no psychic, I am quite sure I have hit the nail on the head. Your loins have indeed been stirred by the he or she who refers to the past with the monosyllabic utterances, so as not to reveal too much. He or she won’t look back and it is making you both the hot and the bothered. I do not like to assume, but I imagine you at work, staring off into the distance, thoughts drifting like the driftwood about the drunken, steamy love making you have had and/or will have with this drifter.

I have indeed caught this drift of yours you are throwing to me in the form of a question, which is quite a feat considering this particular drift is about a drifter.

Worry not, my friend. As you can see from the chart below, the drifter scores highly among the itinerants when it comes to the trustworthiness.

You see my friend, I am a sucker for the drifter. Some of my favorites of all the time have been the drifters. The Huckleberry Finn, the Magwitch, the Bruce Banner, the Caine from the Kung-Fu, all drifters. And yes, I would trust the drifter. I would trust the drifter to keep drifting. The only drifter I would not trust is the drifter that claims to have left his or her drifting ways behind.

Any drifter making such utterances drops down to carny level trustworthiness. Either that or they were never the genuine drifters, they were merely gathering material for a future novel portraying him or herself as a modern day Dean Moriarty. My friend, this novel will be terrible and typically read at the poorly attended open-mics.

Meet your drifter tonight, my friend. Invest nothing, offer even less. Simply have many, many beverages together. Play the Under the Boardwalk or the Save the Last Dance For Me on the bar jukebox. Then enjoy your night. Just remember my friend, this drifter won’t look back. So neither should you.

Do you catch this drift of mine?


Question 104: The Slim Chances

Dear Jesus,

I have a friend who owes me $150. I let it slide for a long time, but now that the economy sucks and I’m broke, I need that $150. How can I get it back?

-Dan – Pittsboro

My Friend,

I do not know this friend of yours, but I would recommend looking elsewhere for the $150. For the chance of getting back the $150 lies somewhere between the pigs learning to fly and the Hell freezing over. If you do not believe me, please refer to the graph of the slim chances.

I know what you are thinking, my friend. A 34% chance of the flying pigs? Come on Jesus, do not pull my leg? But my friend, let me tell you, your leg is not pulled, for I am quite certain that if the scientists are perfecting the monkey controlled robots, they are certainly perfecting the flying pigs.

Now, on to your current dilemma, if your friend needed $150 before the tanking of the economy, than he most certainly needs it now. I would recommend avoiding the confrontation, and instead counting your collection of the spare change.

Do not laugh, my friend. For even Jesus is experiencing the tough economic times, and I recently counted the spare change in my collection and found $47.30 worth of the nickels and the dimes. My friend, I have not even counted the pennies. Furthermore, they give those coin rolls out for free at the local banks. And I don’t know about you, but I get the genuine, old-fashion satisfaction out of putting the coins into the coin rolls. My friend, the old-fashioned satisfaction is hard to come by in this age of the texting, the Facebooking, and the L-ingOL.

If you do not have the spare change collection, then I recommend an alternative. Turn to the Dionne Warwick and Friends, my friend. Play the “That’s What Friends Are For”. When the Dionne Warwick starts singing, substitute, “Lending you $150 bucks, for sure. That’s what friends are for.” My friend, sing it out loud, or as the kids say, SOL. It will certainly cheer you up.


Question 97: Appeasement Porridge In The Pot

Dear Jesus,

what should man do about his straying ways? and when man inevitably does “stray,” how does he appease the female??? help me jesus, your my only hope!

-Dan – California

My Friend,

I have a concern. And it is not the erroneous use of the second person possessive in your last line. While that does bother Jesus so, and I appreciate the Obi-won reference despite the grammatical shortcoming, I am more concerned with the assumption that the female must be appeased.

My friend, as you can see from my chart, appeasement ranks very, very low when it comes to a man’s actions towards a woman. I just don’t like the word appeasement…it has the condescending ring to it, no?

It is best to avoid the situations that seem to call for the appeasement.

I do not believe that the straying is inevitable, my friend. I believe that the death is inevitable. I believe that the taxes are inevitable. I believe that the rockin’ out is inevitable when the Sister Christian gets to the chorus. I believe that the ambiguity is inevitable with the perturbation of the general relativistic predictions around the flat geometry. But the straying my friend? That is not inevitable. Therefore, my answer to you is simple. Do not stray.

At the same time, however, in your case it seems as if this answer might be a case of the too little, too late, no? So let me offer an alternate solution. Tell your partner that you have strayed. Admit to your mistake, my friend. However, tell her that you have strayed the 100 times. Before the anger sets in, very quickly say that you are only kidding. She will ask, really? And you will say, yes my friend, it was only once.

I don’t know my friend, doesn’t the once sound better than the 100?


Question 78: Standing On The Shoulders Of Giants

Jesus, Do you think it is inevitable, as an artist (verbally, visually etc), to “stand on the shoulders of the giants that have come before you?”
-Ella van Wyk – Savannah, GA

My friend,

Yes, it is inevitable. Any artist that disagrees would be fooling his or herself.

And as you can see from the chart below, standing on the shoulders of the giants that have come before you is the second most popular action pertaining to the giants.


Question 72: Flourescent Pee And The Greatest Feelings

Jesus, why do vitamins and minerals make pee fluorescent? (my pee is always neon after i take my airborne) would you agree that peeing after having to hold it in for far too long is one of the greatest feelings in the world? top 10? top 5? sorry, jesus. that was two questions. have a good day.
-curious girl – location unknown

My friend,

I am glad you have said neon, for such is the color associated with the vitamin supplements. The Vitamin B2 in particular is often the culprit of the neon pee. That is because the body absorbs what it can and then flushes out the rest. Then you dispose of it down the commode shoot with the rest of the pee.

Jesus loves seeing the neon urine. For one, it throws a nice curveball in the often monotonous experience of the standard tinkling. For another, it makes Jesus happy that it is neon, and not another choice in the ROYGBIV spectrum. While the dark yellow often accompanies Jesus in the morning after a night of the hard drinking, I know that is due to the dehydration. But if I were to look down and see the purple? I would not know which way I would panic first. Perhaps I would simply listen to the Purple Rain at the maximum volume and hope for the best.

And yes my friend, finally getting to pee after holding it in for far too long is indeed one of the greatest feelings in the world. It is a happy ending to a dangerous dance with fate – a dance in which Jesus has awkwardly lost the beat more than once in his life.

However, there are many many great feelings in the world. And while your choice of finally getting to release the urine makes my list, there are others to choose from, and many that I have left out.


Question 52: Of Beer and Women

How do I explain to my woman that beer is not as important to me as she is but that I still can’t live without it?
-Gomer- location unknown

My friend,

First things first, I am glad that you take the moment to acknowledge that yes, your woman is more important to you than the beer. The precious love of your partner should always come first. And this is not Jesus standing on the high horse and preaching. I have had to learn this the hard way. For there was a time in my life when my priorities were askew. Please consult the chart below for the visual example.



Yes my friend, I had some troubled moments in the past. Only two things were important to me: the beer and the rocking and/or rolling. And while those two parts of my life are still present, I recognize that the priorities must be rearranged for a successful, happy, and balanced life. Now, I like to live trying to put the feelings of others first. I am learning. But beer does not qualify as another. It is an inanimate object. It cannot love you back. You can love it, but you will doom yourself to the life of torment, for the beer has many suitors. And while you might think you are special, the beer has no favorites, it only wants to be consumed by as many mouths as possible. My friend, trust me. There are many many mouths out there.

So my friend, try making a list of the important things in your life. Ask your woman to do the same. Compare lists. Possibly even turn to the excel and wow her with your use of bar graphs, pie charts, and/or XY Scatter Charts. The key is to simply communicate. Explain to her that she is at the top of your list. You may even consider buying her a trophy, a blue ribbon, or a mesh hat with #1 printed on the front. Whatever you choose will be fine. Just do not purchase the “I’m with her” t-shirt with the arrow pointing one way or another. Trust me, that can get awfully tiresome constantly jockeying for the position necessary to make the t-shirt make sense.

Open up yourself to your woman, my friend. Communicate open and honestly. Tear down the walls.

And if she doesn’t want to hear it. Well, you’ve still got the beer.


Question 33: Ode To The Ace Awards

What is more important, The Golden Globes or The Oscars? Also, is lindsay lohan going to make it out of rehab? And finally, is jesse really the english translation for jesus?
-Jesse – Hollywood, CA

My friend, this Golden Globe or the Oscar is like comparing the apples and the oranges. Jesus likes both. He will obstain from this debate. However, if you want me to choose what award is the best, please let me rewind a few years, so that I can choose my favorite of all the time, the Ace Award.

Oh poor defunct Cable Ace Award, where did you go? You are missed. I had such wild times attending your ceremonies. For instance, there was one memorable evening in 1981, when Jesus and Bronson Pinchot joined my good friend Charles Bronson at his table. We consumed a few too many of the Crown Royals, and what started as a night celebrating excellence in cable programming, ended up in a giant debate over whether or not the YMCA was correct in their libel suit against the Village People. Pinchot was livid. Charles lost the temper and employed a half-nelson. Jesus obstained from commenting on that debate too, but he did eventually get kicked out for repeatedly yelling, “Everyone, it is the Bronson vs. Bronson! The Bronson vs. Bronson!” Oh the Ace awards, what wild nights indeed.

As for the Lohan, I just hope she finds the happiness, avoids the abusing of the drugs, and remembers to wear the panties when she goes out on the town.

Lastly, I will not comment on the sacred origin of your name. Just know that you are blessed indeed. Your have expectations to live up to my friend. Tell me, when it is all said and done, do you think you can penetrate the table of the Well Known Jesse? I hope so.