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There is something I never told anyone but your voice has coaxed it out of my stale, damp chest (I think your voice should be sewn into a sweater - 30% AL paka 60% Roadside Jesus vocals 10% nylon). I have never been able to grow a mustache above the lip. My friends are all growing them, and I am now in my thirties and people are beginning to look down on me because I have nothing to show that I am a MAN - and a man in his thirties should have one. What can I do? My mother walked over to me as I was leaving for work and ran her thumb across my upper lip and started to sob.... -3ck - New York, NY 5/25/09 My Friend, This is simply sad. Quite frankly, it is hard for me to relate to this question. I grew my first mustache at the tender age of seven. I remember this well because I still have the birthday card my mother gave me to commemorate the day. My friend, going through life with no mustache is as futile as trying to make a simile without the use of the “like” or the “as.” It is just plain confusing, like trying to light the fire without the spark. My friend, we both know what the Bruce Springsteen would have to say about that. Living the mustache-less life devoid of similes and dancing in the dark does not bode well for the self-esteem. So what should you do, my friend? Perhaps you should look at this conundrum from the point of view of the mustache. The mustache wants to grow. It wants to make you a man. However, you are applying too much pressure, much like the over-zealous father who screams at his child during the little league baseball games. Is it the child’s fault he or she cannot hit a fastball? No my friend, it is the father’s fault for screaming in public while trying to vicariously live his dreams through the child. Address the other issues in your life first, and the mustache will follow. For the mustache does not make you a man, the confidence does. Maybe try moving out of your mother’s house. You are in your thirties after all. Furthermore, if all of your friends are growing the mustaches, perhaps you could try an alternative, like growing the overly long sideburns. If that does not work, try accessorizing. I suggest the wearing of the monocle and/or the bow-tie. Such ironic adjustments to the appearance will surely scratch the same itch, no? You could even try settling the decisions with aggressive games of the rock, the paper, and the scissors. Your friends will be impressed. You will then build the necessary confidence so that the mustache will feel free to spread its hairy wings above the upper lip and let you fly, fly like the bird. My friend, like the manly bird. Regardless of what you do, just know that the mustache will not give up on you. With the proper confidence your must-not-stache will one day become the mustache you desire. And that, my friend, will surely make your mother proud.

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